I'm feeling THE "R"
feel any better, but I had to say it. I had to slap the Devil in his
face with the very thing he is trying use to hurt me with. I have been
down this road so many times til it is not funny anymore. I find myself
standing outside of myself and shaking my head thinking "how did I get
here again..." How did I get here? I walked right into the line of fire
that's how. Just when I thought I was over the BIG "R"...here it is
again.
Allow me to introduce you to the "R" it's real name is Rejection and it
is an ugly emotion to feel. It's main purpose is to make you feel less
then adequate and unsure of yourself. I am well acquainted with this
emotion and I have been fighting like hell to get rid of it. I hate when
I am made to feel unsure of myself by anyone...especially by me. I am my
own worst enemy.
I was first introduced to Rejection when I was a little girl. See my
Father left the family when I was a mere child, and he never came back.
I really didn't even know anything was wrong with living in a single
parent home when I was growing up, cause most of the kids I knew only
had one parent. It wasn't until I was about 17 years old and we were
living with my Aunt that I felt it for the first time. My Mother came
home one day and said "Dee Dee I have some bad news..." I thought she
was going to tell me she couldn't take me shoe shopping that coming
weekend, but instead she tells me that she just found out my Father
died. I was stone cold for what seem liked hours. I couldn't say a word.
I was feeling something and at the time I didn't know what it was. Later
on I would find out that the feeling that had taken over me was the BIG
"R." I would go on my whole life feeling Rejected in one way or another
all because my Father made feel that way for so long as a child. I mean
it was bad enough him not coming around and what not, but to die...that
meant he was never coming back and I was never going to have any closer
from his Rejection. I know I need therapy!
Now that I am an adult I still feel the BIG "R" rear it's ugly head
every now and then. Case and point "T" the man whom I swore not to
mention again by name in any of my Blogs and or Lists for fear that once
he made it big...he would sue me. I have known this man for almost 7
years. We have explored every part of one another. I have been there for
him in ways that only a true friend would and yet he still manages to
make me feel Rejected by him. I can not tell you how many times we have
lost and regained contact with one another since our chance meeting in
2001. It always amazes me how I still have love for this man and yet I
still feel Rejected by him all the time.
Let's fast forward to last week. He contacts me after a MSG I sent him
and once again it sparks old feelings between the two of us...more so on
my part then his. We get together and do things I really should not do
and what happens, he walks away and I don't hear from him in like 3
days. I have to call him and say "hello" or something in order to get a
rise out of him. It normally leads to a small verbal disagreement, but
then it fades to black. I put myself out there and say "will I see you
again soon?" or "are you coming by to see me?" or my favorite "are you
OK? You need anything?" it sucks to feel like he is Rejecting me, but
that's exactly what it feels like, and trust me I know what it feels
like.
Then I find myself judging my character when it comes to guys and how
they perceive me. I mean I will meet a guy and they seem or say they are
into me and next thing you know, they come out the box on me with some
"I want to get in your draws..." type mess and I feel Rejected once
again. And this time it's by some lame head that really is not worth the
time of day anyway. Case and point this guy from my church. He sits in
front of me on Wednesday and Sunday services. At first he seemed
harmless enough until he untied my BFF's shoes one service, then he
became slightly weird. Normally I would say "bye bye" to weirdo guys,
but he was intriguing to say the least. We exchanged numbers and began
to converse with one another. Then all of a sudden he started sending me
inappropriate text's at like 4 in the morning. That right there let me
know what he was on, so I quickly severed that relationship to simply
"hi" and "bye" and the worst part is that he doesn't even think he was
offensive towards me. So once again I fall into a slump of Rejection and
I am fighting to come out alive!
It is now 1:08 central standard time and I am still thinking about "T"
and feeling Rejected by him. And the sad part is that if he called or
txted me right now...I wouldn't even bat an eyelash at him for leaving
me hanging once again. Instead I will open my ears to whatever is
troubling him and keeping him awake, while secretly hoping he will
finally see me for me. I know... I need therapy...but until my over
priced insurance kicks into high gear, I will keep on watching bad
Reality TV and drowning my sorrows in Hot Coco with extra marshmallows.
Until we read again...
Dee
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