Build Me A Road Dear...

So I am crying my eyes out yet again, but it's not over some guy...thank God! These tears stem from the pain I have endured from the words and actions of my Mother. "Hello my name is Deirdre and my Mother has a gambling problem" Whew! It does feel better when you let it out. For as long as I can remember my Mother has had a gambling addiction. As a child it was cards and poker games on the weekends with her loud and crazy friends. Then as I became an adult it turned into Casino's and Online slot machines. I can remember as a child when we had to live from friend to friend and in the back of someone's record shop. Then when we finally managed to get our own place, we moved so much that people thought we were spys or
some mess. I can remember living in about 8 different apartments growing up. As a child/pre-teen I really didn't understand what to make of it all. It was difficult to say the least, but I managed to become a peaceful adult.

During the early part of my adult life I had to take care of things that most young adults shouldn't have to worry about. That time in my life was supposed to be my college years and my exploration period, but instead I spent that time making sure my family didn't get put out on the streets. My Mother would neglect the bills and I (with help at times from my sister) would have to pay past due light bills and gas bills. I remember times of buying bottled water to warm on the stove just wash up. I remember doing homework by candle light, and using 3 or 4 blankets just to keep warm. It was rough, but instead of making her feel bad I took what money I had and paid bills that she would neglect. I got a 2nd job to pay back rent and never said a word to her about it.

Now fast forward to the present. My Mother's behavior has only gotten increasingly worst and with it comes hurt, pain and resentment. She has lived with both my sister and I rent free to several years and has nothing to show for it. Did I mention she was still working all that time, because she was. My Mother just retired in Dec of 07 and has nothing to show for her 40 year dedication to the work force. Nothing saved, nothing planned and nothing to leave. How does a person retire and have nowhere to live? My Mother was living with my sister for the past 2 years, and got a winfall of financial blessings bestowed upon her during that time. Ask me where it went and I would have one guess. My heart and soul tells me what she did with that winfall, but there is a side of me that wants to believe she has not sunk deeper into her addiction.

In May of 07 my job pulled a super whammy on me by selling the company and laying us off. It was rough and still is but God has been keeping me. I was collecting my unemployment and recently started some temping work but as you must know, that is just not enough. My car note is behind and my Mother is the co-signer. Here comes the drama. Even when I was collecting unemployment I was paying my car note on time every month. I never asked her for a single dime, and now when I need her the most she has the nerve to call me irresponsible and lazy! She tells me that if she pays this months car note she wants the car...can you believe that?!?! I pay the note for a year and 7 months by myself and she thinks when she makes one payment she can take the car! Wow! Then after much yelling on her part I am then called a lying bitch. Well needless to say I was and still am very upset, hurt and shocked by these current events. I believe what the scripture says about honoring your Mother and Father, and I have done that my whole life, so I have no regrets when it comes to how I have treated my Mother.

I was so hurt that I txt a longtime guy friend of mine hoping he would say something to make me feel better and he did. It was like he really wanted to make the hurt go away. I was glad he was willing to listen to me...I needed that right then. It reminded me of how much love I have
for him and how I admire and respect him. I wanted to write him a letter but couldn't find the right words. Then this song came to mind and it says it all.

"My love, been such a long long time. One day I always knew I'd hear from you again. Well I'm sorry to find you're having such hard times, but you thought of me in your time of need so I say. Build me a road dear and I will come running. No matter how long or how hard it may be. I have a light from your love dear to guide me. I promise I'll be there whenever you need me.

Who'd of thought it would ever come to this. One last letter, but no one last kiss. When the seasons go by, your on my mind baby. I long one day to be with you, so I say. Build me a road dear and I will come running. No matter how long or how hard it may be. I have a light from your love dear to guide me. I promise I'll be there, whenever you need me.

You promised me. I promised you. The love for one another was true. But somewhere in time, we went on with our lives. Now the roads so far apart. To far to make a start. Too long to make an end. I must see you again. So build me a road dear and I will come running. Now matter how
long or how hard it may be. I have a light from your love dear to guide me. I promise I'll be there, whenever you need me. Wherever you. Wherever you are. Wherever you are. Wherever you are....." T. Ellis

....Thank you "T"

Until we read again,
Deirdre