Dear Gray (When Life's Throws You A Curve Ball...)

     Let me start by saying, I regret nothing. Not quite sure why I had to say that off the top, however, I must have felt it necessary. I used to hate the terms: "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!" and "Life can/will throw you a curve ball..." blah blah blah. That is until life actually threw me and curve ball, then turned around and gave me a sack full of lemons right to the head! You see, in August of 2015, I found out I was going to have you, and let me tell you - I was petrified! (I rarely get to use that word in a sentence) I mean I was thrown for the biggest loop I had ever seen. I do believe I cried almost a week. I wasn't crying because I was sad, embarrassed or even mad at the notion of becoming a mother for the first time, but rather I was amazed at becoming a mother for the first time. Seems like I had been waiting my entire life for that moment and all I could do was cry. I was overwhelmed to say the least, yet I was extremely excited about the fact I was now in charge of bringing you into this world. Wow! Just thinking about it now overwhelms me. 

After all the tears were dried up and the shock completely wore off, I began to take ownership of this "Beautiful Mistake" (not like mistake in the negative since of the word) and dive right on in to being the best "pre-mom" you could possibly ask for. I began to seek counsel from other pregnant moms I knew and from those who had been to this rodeo before. I wanted to know everything! (yes even the yucky gross things) I wanted to know it all! Then December 30th came and you were gone...just like that you were no longer a part of my body and I felt the worst emptiness one human being could possibly feel. The hole in my heart was so big, I wanted to jump in and vanish right along with you my precious baby boy. When I tell you I thought about ending it all, I thought about ending it all. 

For months I kept you - my precious gift a secret. For months I withheld information from family and close friends. For months I concealed my growing belly from an otherwise unsuspecting world. I honesty felt like I was leading a double life! Didi the regular girl and fun loving, (not so tragic spinster) by day, and Didi the irregular girl and slightly neroctic pregnant woman and Gray's mom by night. I was busting to tell the world my awesome news! I wanted to shout it from the roof-tops! Tell anyone that would listen, how extra excited and thrilled I was to be your mom. However, I knew the scrutonizing public would offer an opinion I simply couldn't bare to hear. Oh, I had a support system like no other. They were leaps and bounds more supportive then the rest... (My support system a.k.a 'Gray's Girls' are better than yours!) they just couldn't fully comprehend the whale sized anxiety that was also growing inside me along side you. Once I finally became brave enough to say: You know what? "This is my child, my decision and my life, so get over yourself!", it was too late. 

Needless to say I learned a boat full of valuable lessons. Ones I will keep with me always. Ones that have re-shaped my life in more ways then one. Lessons that have drawn me closer to God and that have made me a stronger woman...or at least strengthened the strong woman I already was. I must be completely honest with you, I am a little weakling at times. I often forget how strong I really am and in those moments, I realize it's not myself that makes me strong; it's God and the people HE has surrounded me with that make me strong.
This will become one of our greatest testimonies and will not doubt be God's greatest achievement in me. Once I rise from these ashes Gray, there will be NO stopping me! 

R.I.H my Beautiful Angel, Mommy will see you when I see you!
(For Gray July 2015 - December 2015)