The gem that the jewler refused
Current mood:
bummed Category: Life
As I write this, my heart is breaking. I can feel the quakes ripple inside my chest as my mind continues to recall our past. Our past...that's a funny statement when I think about it. We really didn't have much of a past, but what we did have has left a scar on my heart. I am bleeding sorrow from the pit of my soul! I just want to scream!! I can hardly breathe!!!
What could have me this un-nerved, I am losing a man that I never had...that's what.
When I first heard that he was leaving, it didn't really sink in. I guess because I thought he wouldn't really leave. Then I some how put the whole thing out of my mind, and begun the draining efforts in which to get him back. Did I really even want him back or was it all just so he wouldn't want to leave? Then I would have more time to convince him that I am the one he should be with.
It has been several years that I have known this man, and in that time I have had my heart broken so many times, and most of that was my fault. I made it something it was not. I made it bigger then it was. I should have just let go....but I couldn't. I was falling in love with him. It was too late. My heart was gone.
I have spent the past several years trying to get my heart back, and at times I thought I had. I would be strong and stern in my convictions and it would work for a while. Then out of nowhere, I would want to know if he was okay. If he was dead or alive. If he was sick or well. If he was happy or sad. His well being became one of my main concerns.
Even though we are not and probably were never meant to be, I always held him close to my heart. Closer then any other man I have ever known. Even when I am upset with him (which is 85% of the time) I can't stay angry. I try to, but it never works. I have never been the type of person to hold a grudge or stay angry with someone. I simply can't do it. Although, people have no problem when it comes to me. (things that make you go hummmmmmmm)
He's leaving and there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could make things go his way. It's not up to me....I know that. Maybe God is moving him out of my life, because he knows I can't do it on my own. Maybe it is the Perfect Will and not the Submissive Will of the Lord. Either way my heart has to say Amen. It has to. I will try to explain it to myself, but what will I tell my heart?
"Hey Heart, there will be: No more chances to make him finally see you for you. No more witty conversations that are designed to spark his interest. No more waiting to see yourself in his eyes. You never saw your reflection in his eyes and now you never will. He's leaving...."
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