Dear Diary: Still nothing...

R.I.P Julian

...And I thought I was going to cry. When I got up this morning I had every intention of going to his funeral. I had even picked out my "funeral outfit" and everything the night before. I knew what dress I was going to wear. I knew what shoes I was going put on. And I even had my speech prepared just in case anyone from my past were to ask me why I was there. I mean come on any real woman worth her salt has the "man from my past" speech ready to go by 18. Yet as the day went on and the time grew closer, I couldn't do it. A feeling of "is this really necessary" came over me and I literally did not feel led to go. Immediately I began to pray. "Lord, is it me or is it you?" I asked. I didn't want to be in flesh at all in my decision. I mean would me being there make one ounce of difference... In fact, I began to feel like I was simply going so that everyone would see how fabulous I look and that would have been totally wrong. Bottom line there was no real reason for me to attend and I felt a sigh of relief in my spirit when I came to this conclusion.

Then I received a phone call from my brother and he wanted to send me a picture. Automatically I knew what the picture was and who would be in it. At first I wanted to say don't send it, but then a part of me wanted to see him one last time....to sort of say my private goodbyes. So here I am looking at this picture and thinking to myself, "what a waste." It is sad to see such a promising young man laying in what will be his final resting bed. I always said or should I say thought he would one day prove me wrong.

"Hola Julian. You know I never called you June. And when I would slip up and call you that, you were the first one to correct me. It's weird that am saying all this to a picture, but this is the card life dealt, so I have to play this hand. For so long I would practice what I would say if we were to meet again and I swear I had that speech down pat. Then one day it didn't matter what I would say or tell you, it only mattered that I was free. I am free you know. I don't know the time or place my freedom from the spiritual bond I shared with you through ungodly soul ties took place, all I know is it did long before this, and for that I am glad. I don't know what I would have felt had it been a different time and a different me. I just pray that somewhere, sometime during your time on this earth, you found a way to know Jesus. I pray that God has mercy on your soul and that you will lift up eyes in Heaven. Even in your demise I only want the best for you, and that best can only come from Jesus Christ. I forgive you Julian. With all that is good and pure in my heart I forgive you. Rest in peace child of God..."

I am finding myself forgiving people more and more everyday.