A Super-Woman's Diary

I am starting to feel like "what's the use..." when it comes to me and relationships. I am 30+ years old and I am still single, without even the smallest of possibilities knocking down my door. I mean sure I have guys that want to have "Sexual relations" with me, but not one of them really see me for me. I am starting to think that maybe I should be single, and move past this feeling of defeat. I mean really, I feel really defeated as far as every relationship or 'lack there of' I have ever had. I mean what is the use of trying any more? I'm so hurt by all this loneliness, that I don't even care to have one anymore. I mean guys just look right through now-a-days. Case and point, there is a guy I like right now and he doesn't even know my name; despite the fact I have seen him several times before and I spent a whole week in his presence. As I type this, my eyes feel up with tears just thinking about it. What am I doing wrong? Everyone else......

Okay so when I woke up that morning, and after I prayed, I began to think of him. It is weird how this has all of a sudden become my daily routine. I blame him of course for this instant infiltration of my mind. Yes, it is all his fault that I only want to see his face in my dreams and in my "awake-ness". I find it hard not to think about him. I pray for him. I check on him. I love to see his face and I love to hear his voice. Someone might say I am infatuated by him; I say I am intrigued by him. He makes me better. Anyway, on the day in question I went about my daily routine as usual and after a large gathering of minds, I had the wonderful opportunity to be in his presence. It was like 1000 fireworks went off in my body when I saw his face. I lit up like the sun! I felt calm and at peace in my spirit. This happens every-time I see his face. This dude moves me yo! So after foodies, laughter and stimulating conversation, it was time to go. Here is where a "habit" tu...

Él : Ven a pasar la noche conmigo . sólo me ayudan a conciliar el sueño. Yo: No , gracias . Pasar la noche en sus brazos no suena la pena para nada. *I know better*

Okay so as I sit here partially enjoying my Movies Night alone, I am browsing twitter and I see all these trend topics about #confessionhour or #honestyhour or whatever the hell, and it got me to thinking about something I want to be honest about right now. I am sitting here thinking about a man...the man I wish I could spend the rest of my natural life with. It's so sad when you think about, because in retrospect, I don't think I really loved him at all. I think I just wanted him to love me so that will know what it feels like. i met him on my birthday - That was one of the best days of my life. I will never forget it. I will never forget how I felt that day. I am recalling it right now as a matter of fact. I wish he were right here next to me. Holding me in his arms as we watch movies #3 of Movies Night. I wish he were kissing me right now and rubbing my back softly as he whispers "I Love You Deirdre" in my ear. I wish he were here making me laugh like only he can d...

Okay, so this is day two of life without a phone, and I have to say..."IT SUCKS!!!!!!" I can't call a single soul to come rescue me from my boredom, and what's worse - I can't text, tweet or Facebook at will. Is this some kind of horrible test the Lord has me going through, to prove some spiritual point in which HE only knows the answer to? I think so. Not to mention my room-mate left me here all alone this morning. It's okay though, at least one of us is out of this house. (sigh) I should be taking this time to do several things: Homework for next week, homework that is due Monday, finishing my book so I can make some REAL MONEY - but instead I'm sitting here blogging. What can I say, it relaxes me. I have been working on my book for almost 10 years....that's right 10 years!!! What am i waiting for? Do I feel like I can't do it? Do I feel like it's too late? I say yes to all of the above. Lately I have been feeling a bit defeated in all are...

Okay so I am sitting here struggling to fix my iPhone to no avail of course, and I realize (as I am halfway through the 20th time trying it) what is wrong with it, is a direct reflection of my life. Broke and Busted! and how I do realize this is only temporary, I still cannot help but wonder why in the hell is this happening to me! I feel like crying my eyeballs out right now, because so many thing are happening to me in which I have no control over. I hate (as you can tell) not being in control of anything! Not to mention I have no money to replace this phone or any other phone for that matter. This just SUCKS! I really want to pick this phone up, hold it up to the light, draw my hand back and throw it in the ocean!!!

Dear Lord, I AM READY! Did you hear me Lord, I AM READY!!! Whatever it was I was supposed to learn from this whole experience, I believe I have learned it! I have been humiliated, cast out, torn down, wounded...I have cried so many tears, I could have built an Arc and floated away on them for months. I am so ready for a change to come, I swear I know what "change" tastes like! Btw, I am starting to feel like I am getting on everyone's nerves, bouncing from house to house; apartment to apartment...it's wearing on me, so I know it's wearing on those that I have to live with. This is not the life I thought I was going to have at all - in fact, I do believe I said "no way" to this life long time ago! Everyday when I wake up I know there is something better out there for me. I know I am destined for greatness. I know GOD has not forgotten about me! Still I can't help but feel a little out of my element....LORD I want out of this MATRIX!

It would be easy to simply go back to bed, find that comfy position, pull the covers over my head and start my sleep realm process; however, my mind is clouded with thoughts of you. How dare you infiltrate my mind they way you have. I should have put an "exclamation mark" behind that, but anyway, moving on. I am awake at 12:29am and I have this crazy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I swear boulders and butterflies co-exist down there. I find it hard NOT to smile when I think of something funny we shared together, or a moment when you were encouraging me in one way or another. I had two random thoughts of you while I was video taping Honour's dedication ceremony yesterday. How you managed to find you way into my thoughts during that celebration is beyond my understanding. Then some guy walked past me in the hallway, as I was making my way to the roomies car that smelled just like you. I had to stop and take a whiff and breathe that stuff in...I had forgotten how good you...

Well, it's 2011 and a new year and a new chapter has begun in my life. I must admit, the last several chapters have been pretty intense and at times pretty boring. When we last saw our heroine (that would be me) , she was struggling between good and evil. She was on the edge of a serious melt-down and was teetering on the edge of Destruction and Desire. It was all she could do not to make the same mistakes she made in her past. How did she manage to escape her fiendish foes? JESUS! That's how. HE always catches her (me) when she stumbles and falls. "...Until next time" the villain said as he, she it laughed an evil laugh and walked backwards into the darkness. Sounds like something from a movie or cartoon doesn't it, however, this is reality and I live it everyday. Every night when I lay my head down on the pillow and close my eyes, my story is still being written. Since my book has begun it's very first chapter, I have experienced tears, joy, heart-ache (...