A Super-Woman's Diary

Been So Long Current mood: Moody Category:  Life Wow, I haven't written a blog in forever and a day. I almost forgot completely that I had a blog, that is until the very reason I started this blog in the first place - showed me once again; how much I need to start writing again. Let's see, so much has happened since I last posted, and I have to admit - I really wish most of it never happened at all. As much as I appreciate 2012, I'm extra glad I will never have to see it or relive a single moment of it! Ups and downs can not even begin to discribe the emotional rollercoaster I was forced to endure. Heart-ache, loniness, pain, lies, hurt, sickness, debit, curses, stress, confussion, missunderstandings, no pay, failure...oh boy did I fail a lot! I don't think there are enough words in the dictionary to discribe my distaste for 2012. Now don't get me all the way wrong, there were a lot of good times as well. Way at the top of my list, would be my Mother...

Deirdre is...  Current mood: Blah Category: Life *Don't Read if YOU have never made mistakes!* Hurting from what her Mother said. Hurting from what her Mother does. Tired of being lonely at night. Thinking about what Evolution really means. Making excuses for people instead of dealing with them head-on. Hates how her relationship with her Mother is turning out. Thinking it's been long enough. Thinking too much really. Wanting more out of life. Hoping for bigger and better things this year. Missing her Father finally. Upset he made the decision he made when she was 17. Not going to hold a grudge anymore though. Masturbating too much these days. Afraid she will go blind. Laughing her butt off! Not prepared for the future at all Sick of games and mind tricks. Just as screwed up as the next chick. Still hurting from the past. Grateful for second chances. St...

I am the Gem that the Jeweler Refused... Current mood: bummed Category: Life As I write this, my heart is breaking. I can feel the quakes ripple inside my chest as my mind continues to recall our past. Our past...that's a funny statement when I think about it. We really didn't have much of a past, but what we did have has left a scar on my heart. I am bleeding sorrow from the pit of my soul! I just want to scream!! I can hardly breathe!!! What could have me this un-nerved, I am losing a man that I never had...that's what. When I first heard that he was leaving, it didn't really sink in. I guess because I thought he wouldn't really leave. Then I some how put the whole thing out of my mind, and begun the draining efforts in which to get him back. Did I really even want him back or was it all just so he wou...

I’m feeling THE "R" Current mood: Anxious Category: Blogging I'm feeling THE "R" I am feeling so rejected right now. I had to say that out loud. I don't feel any better, but I had to say it. I had to slap the Devil in his face with the very thing he is trying use to hurt me with. I have been down this road so many times til it is not funny anymore. I find myself standing outside of myself and shaking my head thinking "how did I get here again..." How did I get here? I walked right into the line of fire that's how. Just when I thought I was over the BIG "R"...here it is again. Allow me to introduce you to the "R" it's real name is Rejection and it is an ugly emotion to feel. It's main purpose is to make you feel less th...

Seems Like You're Ready... Well, today is the day, I will start dedicating myself to completing my book. That's right, I have finally decided; enough is enough! I mean, here I am helping everyone else, write, edit and submit their work; yet I remain stagnated when it comes to my own. This damn book has been about 12 years in the making. I feel like Alistair Macleod: the famous author who took 10 years writing his first collection of short stories entitled  The Lost Salt Gift of Blood. I am, needless to say, quite upset with myself, and because of this, I plan on getting my entire life; and dedicating the month of September to completing this "Overdue" Masterpiece!     Any man who keeps working is not a failure. He may not be a great writer, but if he applies the old-fashioned virtues of hard, constant labor, he’ll eventually make some kind of career for himself as writer . – Ray Bradbury

     Let me start by saying, I regret nothing. Not quite sure why I had to say that off the top, however, I must have felt it necessary. I used to hate the terms: "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!" and "Life can/will throw you a curve ball..." blah blah blah. That is until life actually threw me and curve ball, then turned around and gave me a sack full of lemons right to the head! You see, in August of 2015, I found out I was going to have you, and let me tell you - I was petrified! (I rarely get to use that word in a sentence) I mean I was thrown for the biggest loop I had ever seen. I do believe I cried almost a week. I wasn't crying because I was sad, embarrassed or even mad at the notion of becoming a mother for the first time, but rather I was amazed at becoming a mother for the first time. Seems like I had been waiting my entire life for that moment and all I could do was cry. I was overwhelmed to say the least, yet I was extremely excited abou...

Image by Puzzler4879 via Flickr As I sit here on the edge of my bed, I begin to hear a song in my heart. It then leads to my throat and all of a sudden the words come out. I have never written a song before, nor have I ever tried to write a song, however, as I began to think of all the disappointments and heart-aches I have ever experienced; the words just came out. "I wanna let go this time. I wanna be mine all mine. I want the love that only God has for me. Don't wanna be wrong this time. I wanna be whole oh my. I want the love that only comes from being free." ~Didi

I met him online. His face caught my eye. Not because he was good-looking, but because he was intriguing. His personality flew off the pages of his "social-network", and drew me completely in, like freshly brewed coffee on a Sunday morning. I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to meet him and listen to his mind.....man did he let me down. 

She asked me a simple question and I became speechless. Not because I didn't know what to say, because trust me, I knew what to say. No one had ever asked me that question before and I was not at all ready to say it out loud. I figured as long as it was in my mind, I would be safe. I love to store old memories there, like an old-but still reliable hard drive I plan to use again someday. Oddly enough, the moment I began to speak the words aloud, I could see each word, sentence and phrase disintegrate right in front of my face. "When did you know it was him? I mean like when did you know he was the one you wanted to be with?" At first I didn't know whether to say something or run and hide. I thought for a moment and took in all the air I could. Then I spoke the realest shish I ever spoke....(it went something like this) I knew when I looked into his eyes. It was weird actually. I was standing there at the bus stop, minding my own business, when he pulled up and started...

I am starting to feel like "what's the use..." when it comes to me and relationships. I am 30+ years old and I am still single, without even the smallest of possibilities knocking down my door. I mean sure I have guys that want to have "Sexual relations" with me, but not one of them really see me for me. I am starting to think that maybe I should be single, and move past this feeling of defeat. I mean really, I feel really defeated as far as every relationship or 'lack there of' I have ever had. I mean what is the use of trying any more? I'm so hurt by all this loneliness, that I don't even care to have one anymore. I mean guys just look right through now-a-days. Case and point, there is a guy I like right now and he doesn't even know my name; despite the fact I have seen him several times before and I spent a whole week in his presence. As I type this, my eyes feel up with tears just thinking about it. What am I doing wrong? Everyone else......

Okay so when I woke up that morning, and after I prayed, I began to think of him. It is weird how this has all of a sudden become my daily routine. I blame him of course for this instant infiltration of my mind. Yes, it is all his fault that I only want to see his face in my dreams and in my "awake-ness". I find it hard not to think about him. I pray for him. I check on him. I love to see his face and I love to hear his voice. Someone might say I am infatuated by him; I say I am intrigued by him. He makes me better. Anyway, on the day in question I went about my daily routine as usual and after a large gathering of minds, I had the wonderful opportunity to be in his presence. It was like 1000 fireworks went off in my body when I saw his face. I lit up like the sun! I felt calm and at peace in my spirit. This happens every-time I see his face. This dude moves me yo! So after foodies, laughter and stimulating conversation, it was time to go. Here is where a "habit" tu...

Él : Ven a pasar la noche conmigo . sólo me ayudan a conciliar el sueño. Yo: No , gracias . Pasar la noche en sus brazos no suena la pena para nada. *I know better*

Okay so as I sit here partially enjoying my Movies Night alone, I am browsing twitter and I see all these trend topics about #confessionhour or #honestyhour or whatever the hell, and it got me to thinking about something I want to be honest about right now. I am sitting here thinking about a man...the man I wish I could spend the rest of my natural life with. It's so sad when you think about, because in retrospect, I don't think I really loved him at all. I think I just wanted him to love me so that will know what it feels like. i met him on my birthday - That was one of the best days of my life. I will never forget it. I will never forget how I felt that day. I am recalling it right now as a matter of fact. I wish he were right here next to me. Holding me in his arms as we watch movies #3 of Movies Night. I wish he were kissing me right now and rubbing my back softly as he whispers "I Love You Deirdre" in my ear. I wish he were here making me laugh like only he can d...

Okay, so this is day two of life without a phone, and I have to say..."IT SUCKS!!!!!!" I can't call a single soul to come rescue me from my boredom, and what's worse - I can't text, tweet or Facebook at will. Is this some kind of horrible test the Lord has me going through, to prove some spiritual point in which HE only knows the answer to? I think so. Not to mention my room-mate left me here all alone this morning. It's okay though, at least one of us is out of this house. (sigh) I should be taking this time to do several things: Homework for next week, homework that is due Monday, finishing my book so I can make some REAL MONEY - but instead I'm sitting here blogging. What can I say, it relaxes me. I have been working on my book for almost 10 years....that's right 10 years!!! What am i waiting for? Do I feel like I can't do it? Do I feel like it's too late? I say yes to all of the above. Lately I have been feeling a bit defeated in all are...

Okay so I am sitting here struggling to fix my iPhone to no avail of course, and I realize (as I am halfway through the 20th time trying it) what is wrong with it, is a direct reflection of my life. Broke and Busted! and how I do realize this is only temporary, I still cannot help but wonder why in the hell is this happening to me! I feel like crying my eyeballs out right now, because so many thing are happening to me in which I have no control over. I hate (as you can tell) not being in control of anything! Not to mention I have no money to replace this phone or any other phone for that matter. This just SUCKS! I really want to pick this phone up, hold it up to the light, draw my hand back and throw it in the ocean!!!

Dear Lord, I AM READY! Did you hear me Lord, I AM READY!!! Whatever it was I was supposed to learn from this whole experience, I believe I have learned it! I have been humiliated, cast out, torn down, wounded...I have cried so many tears, I could have built an Arc and floated away on them for months. I am so ready for a change to come, I swear I know what "change" tastes like! Btw, I am starting to feel like I am getting on everyone's nerves, bouncing from house to house; apartment to apartment...it's wearing on me, so I know it's wearing on those that I have to live with. This is not the life I thought I was going to have at all - in fact, I do believe I said "no way" to this life long time ago! Everyday when I wake up I know there is something better out there for me. I know I am destined for greatness. I know GOD has not forgotten about me! Still I can't help but feel a little out of my element....LORD I want out of this MATRIX!

It would be easy to simply go back to bed, find that comfy position, pull the covers over my head and start my sleep realm process; however, my mind is clouded with thoughts of you. How dare you infiltrate my mind they way you have. I should have put an "exclamation mark" behind that, but anyway, moving on. I am awake at 12:29am and I have this crazy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I swear boulders and butterflies co-exist down there. I find it hard NOT to smile when I think of something funny we shared together, or a moment when you were encouraging me in one way or another. I had two random thoughts of you while I was video taping Honour's dedication ceremony yesterday. How you managed to find you way into my thoughts during that celebration is beyond my understanding. Then some guy walked past me in the hallway, as I was making my way to the roomies car that smelled just like you. I had to stop and take a whiff and breathe that stuff in...I had forgotten how good you...

Well, it's 2011 and a new year and a new chapter has begun in my life. I must admit, the last several chapters have been pretty intense and at times pretty boring. When we last saw our heroine (that would be me) , she was struggling between good and evil. She was on the edge of a serious melt-down and was teetering on the edge of Destruction and Desire. It was all she could do not to make the same mistakes she made in her past. How did she manage to escape her fiendish foes? JESUS! That's how. HE always catches her (me) when she stumbles and falls. "...Until next time" the villain said as he, she it laughed an evil laugh and walked backwards into the darkness. Sounds like something from a movie or cartoon doesn't it, however, this is reality and I live it everyday. Every night when I lay my head down on the pillow and close my eyes, my story is still being written. Since my book has begun it's very first chapter, I have experienced tears, joy, heart-ache (...

When God Steps in as "Husband" Cindi McMenamin Author of When Women Walk Alone Deb learned the hard way that having a husband was not the key to happiness. Six years into her marriage, Deb's husband recovered from an accident that nearly killed him. Then he decided it was time to live his life to the fullest. With no regard for his family, he quit his job, no longer provided for Deb and her children and stayed out nightly ‘til 3:00 a.m. with no explanation of his whereabouts. Not knowing where to turn, Deb escaped the turmoil by divorcing him. Deb then married a second husband who seemed compassionate about all she had been through in her first marriage. But five years into her second marriage, her husband became abusive toward her children and ended up having a three-year affair with another woman. When Deb discovered the affair, she left the marriage and swore off men, wanting nothing to do with another marriage or relationship. It was then that God ...