A Super-Woman's Diary

September 29, 2009 Eight years. Eight years I loved a man that would never be mine. I cared more about him then I did myself. How do I know, because I am the only one crying that's how I know. I would have climbed a mountain if he asked me to. And with bleeding fingers I would have climbed some more. I have never felt this way about anyone, ever. And I doubt I ever will. He said something to me tonight that finally let me know it (whatever it was) was over. "Take it easy sweets." He said take it easy....woooooo(breathe girl...breathe) I guess he was right, I don't know how to be just friends and not want a relationship. Hell, all I ever wanted was a relationship. I don't know how to be one of those girls that just take what they can get. That s**t hurts too much. I felt something that was just not there. I have so much to say but I can't seem to put it in words right now. I love that man. I truly do. And letting him go hurts like hell right now. I don't li...

Current mood: peaceful Category: Life Today I took myself out on a date. That's right, I went to dinner with myself. I have to admit it was interesting to say the least, but I survived. I hadn't planned on going by myself, I was going to take a certain someone, then I changed my mind and took myself. I used to have a problem with going out to eat by myself and would often take "props" along whenever I would. Like: a book, my laptop or some homework/paperwork that would make me appear to be busy. However this time was different. I just woke up after my nap and said... "I'm going to dinner." Of course whenever you enter a restaurant, the host or hostess always asks, "how many?" I simply said "1" and the shame began! Why is it when you are "1" people try to "single shame" you? I like being ...

Thank you my Lord for another year of life! I Truly Love YOU!

Well today turned out to be a real suckie day. It started out nicely. I got some rest and then ran some important errands, came back home and got some more rest. Then just as i was about to head to the good house o the Lord, some crazy dude drove past my car sideswiping it; thus taking my rear view mirror off and leaving me with no mirror and heavy paint damage. I was so hot!!!! I could not believe it. I was that close from being killed and to top it off...I have no money to fix it right now. When it rains it pours and I am getting sick and tired of all this rain. I know my blessing is around the corner with Atonement just around the bend. I just hope and Pray that I will be able to hold on that long. I feel like giving up some days, I swear I do....I owe God too much to that, still I can't help but feel that way at times. Just look at my baby, she has done nothing but good for people....

Colors of Love Current mood: lonely Category: Writing and Poetry What do you do when the phone rings and it's not him? What happens when a text msg comes through and u wish it was him? I wrote a poem about it, wanna hear it? Here it go... Red hot are my feelings for him. I think about him all the time. Yellow is the sun when it comes up in the morning and sprinkles a ray of light in his window to wake him up. I pray for that light to shine on him. I want him to know what it looks like when he sees it on me. Pink are my lips so soft like two tiny little pillows...."Got me feinin for his lips on my kiss..." I'm Green with envy that I can't feel his touch yet another woman does. Purple rain plays in the background as I try to drown my sadness in song. Orange peels in bed......

I wish "liking" someone was simple. Sometimes, people think they like someone when they don't really like them. This phenomenon is based on your situation and circumstance in the dating world. Here are some reasons you may think you like someone: You're Bored A friend of mine recently visited NYC and got the runaround from an older guy. After he was a jerk to her, she continued to try to convince me that he wasn't a bad guy. She returned home and we discussed him at length. Then, Summer ended and she began studying for LSATs. I never heard about the guy again. When you don't have much going on, or much to think about, sometimes you end up getting fixated on a romantic interest out of boredom. You're Desperate I have to admit, I've had many instances where I met a girl and thought she was "the one" just because I got her number. When I'm feeling desperate, I get way too into it before I even know the girl. Everyone Else Likes Some...

Today was a good day. I have to admit I have been in a good mood all day. It started out pretty strong with Kemuel and I watching the "Backyardigans" together and then hanging out with Mother practically all day. I was nice. I felt a little nauseous towards the afternoon, but that quickly passed. I got a new handbag as an early Bday gift, so like I said- today was pretty good. My Lil nephew caught me crying this evening as I was preparing for my special Bday dinner with my girls, and it made him sad. He asked my why was I crying and I didn't want to say. Children are very smart. He actually told me why I was crying and told me what to do to make it stop. It was funny because he is only 9 years old, but he has a lot of sense. He gave me some awesome advice and I took it. I even let him watch me do what he suggested. It not only made me feel better, but it put his little heart at ease as well. My heart is 1 crack healed from being whole again. The bible states that "a ...

I managed to make it all the way to 10pm without thinking about him, and here come the water works. Damn! I want some ice-cream really bad right now. See this is stuff I can't "Tweet" or "Update" On the bright side, I had a Superfantastic time in my online class chat room. Meeting my classmates and discussing topics related to our class. This is shaping up to be a great experience for me. I'm excited and exhausted all at the same time.

Today I spent the most wonderful day of my life with a little guy that loves me purely. My God son Kemuel. I will have the pleasure of spending 2 weeks with him (maybe more...) while his arm heals. He had a nasty fall a few days ago, and broke his little arm. He was going to start pre-school but he has to wait until his arm heals. I am so excited to be spending this quality time with him. Today he made me smile from my heart. I so needed to smile today, and his pure love came right in handy. I found myself crying this morning around 1am. I will not go into why or who was the cause of my "all of a sudden" sadness and burst of tears. All I will say is I had to make a tough choice and as much as it hurt, I must now pick myself up and dust off my heart. People brush their shoulders off...I dust my heart off. I gotta keep on being me no matter what. Being me is all I know how to do. I can't and won't change. One day someone will see me for who I really am and what I have t...

I had so much fun today! It started with a pinic/meeting in the park, Centennial Park in Munster, IN to be exact. The Props dept of my churches Performing Arts Ministry had a meeting there today and I was invited. It was so nice to get out and think about other things besides my normal drama. I think I lost about 7 pounds all that running from bees I did. LOL! And wound up getting stung in the foot. Go figure. I learned more about what it takes to be affective on a team and I will keep that knowledge fresh in my mind for days to come. Then after that I went to a Purse party. It was amazing and the bags were fabulous! I this really cute pink Jimmy Choo bag I wanted, but it was not in the budget, so I couldn't get it. No worries I had a great time doing life with some really cool people. And now I am off to sleep for school for me begins tomorrow and I needs my rest. P.S. That's me in the multi-colored skirt. Deirdre

Psalms 92 What a beautiful thing, God, to give thanks, to sing an anthem to you, the High God! To announce your love each daybreak, sing your faithful presence all through the night, Accompanied by dulcimer and harp, the full-bodied music of strings. You made me so happy, God. I saw your work, and I shouted for joy. How magnifcent your work, God! How profound your thoughts! Dullards never notice what you do; fools never do get it. When the wicked popped up like weeds and all the evil men and women took over, You mowed them down, finished them off once and for all. You, God, are High and Eternal. Look at your enemies, God! Look at your enemies -ruined! Scattered to the winds, all those hirelings of evil! But you've made me strong as a charging bison, you've honored me with a festive parade. The sigh t of my critics going down is still fresh, the rout of my malicious detractors. My ears are filled with the sounds ...

She shakes the sheets free of the crumbs that fell from her pop tart and straightens her blanket. After checking to see if there were any missed calls or text messages on her sidekick, she plugs the charger in and settles in for the night. Not being able to sleep knowing those pop tart crumbs were still on the floor, she leaps up, grabs the broom and dust pan sweeping them away and returning to bed. Laying in the dark, she stares up at the ceiling and watches the different shapes form from the lights outside her window. The motion light on the building flashes from bright to dim and off again. She makes a rhythm in her mind that coincides with the timing of the lights. She can hear the TV speak from the other rooms: HGTV is on in one room and a commercial for Madagascar 2 in another. Drowning out those sounds, she shifts her weight to one side and tries to close her eyes. There in that moment a thought of him infiltrates her mind and robs her of precious sleep. So she reaches up to gra...

Right now I feel like Bridget from "Bridget Jone's Diary" I am so caught up in this one guy and he could care freaking less about my feelings for him. I'm just waiting on the moment when I catch him in a 'compromising position' so to speak and the lady he is with calls me fat. Mean while Kewan / Qewan keeps asking my mother's BF about me, but is never around when I am back on the block. Interesting how that works eh? Lord have mercy.... Anyway, today I found myself watching a documentary on 911. It was quite interesting....who am I kidding, I fell asleep on the bloody thing...om-gosh I just said "bloody" This cycle I am going through has got to stop. I'm speaking with an English accent in my mind now. DON'T EVER FORGET 911

Have you ever wanted to say something to someone but was afraid to? I find myself wanting to spill my guts to him. I am so afraid to speak my true emotions. I find it so hard to say how I really feel. Not that it matters one way or another. He has made it very clear that he does not want to be with me the same way I want to be with him. So, with that bit of knowledge, I must grow up and put my big girl panties on deal with this rejection like a woman. ..........To Be Continued

I want this so badly but I know it's wrong. I can't help the way I feel. Sometimes I ache in my heart so much, I want to scream!

I could spend the rest of my life chasing pavements. The question is, should I?

I am lost and have been found wanting.

If I were a...G1 Phone, I'd get played with everyday! LOL! Anyway, it's 15 more until my glorious Bday, and I can't wait. I feel it's going to be a special one for sure. As I sit here in the middle of my bed thinking about this year so far and all that I have been through; I can't help but be thankful for how far I have come. Things are not perfect by a long shot, but I am still standing! I say that with all the authority one can muster. I am sill standing haters and naysayers! I know most people only make "Resolutions" around Christmas and New Years, but I vow this year on my bday to become less "predictable"...that's right, last night I was told I am "Too Predictable" I didn't really know how to take that until I thought about it. I am "Predictable" and that ish is about to come to a screeching halt! I am turning over a new leaf and sad to say I started with SBC. I think I scared him a little taste. Oh well, shouldn...

Today was a roll coaster ride of emotions for me and I am glad I am finally winding down. I woke feeling really great until I sent a text message and got a nasty response back. I wanted to throw my cell phone out the window, then of course I came to my senses. I had plans to sleep until 2pm, but those plans came to a screeching halt when Mother called to remind me about her doctors appt....man I need anther me floating around here so I can get some sleep. Anyway, I knew then my day would be jammed packed once I got out of bed. It started with a smooth drive to PT on Kildare. It's so frigging hot on that part of town, I had to find solitude in the shade a block over. Thinking I had sought much needed refuge, up walks "Sal" and his beloved dog "Louise" This older yet handsome gentleman just walked up to my ventilated window and said: "You're a beauty. Can I take you out?" Sweet as he was, I wanted nothing to do with him or his slobbering dog. So I po...

Today was and still is my youngest nephews BDay ...he turned 9. We had a blast when I picked him up from school. Mother and I picked him up and then it was off to the mall for some Bday shopping! I love shopping. I was hoping to see a friend of mine today, but to no avail. (Sentimental Moody Mood of Moods #1) I had something to give him, then I took it back and got a refund. Why did I do that one might ask; well I felt dumb when I bought it in the first place-so returning it felt like the right thing to do. After shopping and laughing out loud with the family, we were hungry and needed some good foodie foods. I wanted tacos. She wanted Chicken and he wanted to eat...period! We went to Dave n Busters, too crowed. We swung by ESPN Zone, to noisy . Then the young one suggested Chicago chicken and Waffles...great choice I might add. Then I find out I WON'T be seeing my friend today and that's when (Sentimental Moody Mood of Moods #2) showed it's face yet again. Fed, home now...

It has been a while since I have put nails to keypad and blessed this site with one of my famous rants and raves. I miss this. I don't even now why I stopped in the first place. I guess it was because I hurt someone with my thoughts and that simply didn't sit right with me. Or maybe it was because I found blogging to be a bit pretentious and needed a change. Whatever the case maybe, I am back and I have a crap load of s**t to get off my chest!