Is That A New Fear You Have On?

Okay so I went to this midnight wedding the other night, and I was pit face to face with one of my biggest fears….that’s right I, Dee Dee, have a fear that is so catastrophic that I am (at times) afraid to even speak it. I have a fear of approaching men…there I said it. I don’t know if it’s because I secretly fear being rejected or if it’s because I was just raised never to do that sort of thing…like it was some type of disease or something. What ever the case may be, I can’t stand it and I know because of this very fear, I have probably let the one slip right through my fingertips…or I am in danger of letting him slip through my finger tips. I can’t help it…my throat becomes very dry, my palms get all sweaty, I becomes mad nervous, and when I do manage to find the right words to say…I can’t seem to get my brain to tell my mouth, so I wind up running off somewhere. Well the night of the wedding I ran straight for the liquid refreshment and played the invisible woman all night. Hiding behind plants and ice sculpture’s thinking “can he see me?” It was a mess.

Then I get home and he was all I could think about. How fine he looked in that suit and tie, how nice he smelled wearing that Vera Wang for men, and how sexy his voice sound as he made that toast. Or how sweet he was when he asked me to dance. I just couldn’t get a freaking grip! I wanted to, it just felt weird. Like I was in the fifth grade and just starting to notice boys.
I could remember so vividly how when I was coming in from work or where ever, and he would see me with a ton of bags; how he would help up the stairs. Or the time I was locked out of my apartment and he helped me get back in. Or the time when I was crying on the stairs and he brought me something to wipe my eyes. Those are times I hold so dear and he was just my neighbor then…not even a friend, just my hottie neighbor that I secretly wanted to get with. So why then when he would ask me out, did I say no? I haven’t the slightest idea!!! I mean he was there and he was interested…dumb! Although, I did have a lot of things I wanted to sort through before entering into a new relationship (at the time), and then there was my crush, but it wasn’t like the guy wanted to marry me, he just wanted to take me out.

So now I am sitting here contemplating should I call him or should I let it go? He might be in a situation, and it might be too late. That would send me straight for a cliff…or he might not be interested anymore…and that would send me off the cliff. So I called the newly married couple and asked the Mrs. to give me his number. After all it was my house she was at when she met her new husband and it is the least she could do…right? Since they were waiting before they were going to go on a honeymoon, I knew they were at home when I made my first brave phone call. She was delighted to give me his phone number, so that lead me to believe that he was not seeing anyone. I mean she was fresh off the ‘getting hitched’ train so I just knew she couldn’t be breaking up a happy home. So then I sat there in my bedroom staring at my phone like it was going to bite me if I even dared pick it up. I was so nervous to call the man…it was horrible. Then I said to my self “what’s the worst that could happen?” And what did I say that for? All sorts of mess started flowing through my head. So I got online and had a wonderful conversation via IM with my girl Tamika. Seems like she is coming in handy these days on that advice tip…*thanks* Well I called and left a msg on his answering machine that went a little something like this.

“Hello Scott, this is Dee from the 80th street apartments…we used to be neighbors? I was at the wedding the other night. I had on the red…well anyway the reason for my call was…I got your number from Rachel and I was hoping when you got this msg you would give me call back. My number is *******… talk with soon…bye”

Well, that was my second brave phone call and I tell you it was the hardest thing I had ever done…well not if you count approaching the DHL man and asking him what that scribble mess was he would always write on the outbound slips….I was into him as well once upon a time. Anyway, he called back but I messed the call. Now I keep replaying the msg like a crazy woman trying to get up enough nerve to make my next brave phone call…

It’s Harder Then It Seems…
U.W.R.A:)