A Super-Woman's Diary

...glad it's over!

Wanna See A Picture of HIM? Do You Know HIM?

She shakes the sheets free of the crumbs that fell from her pop tart and straightens her blanket. After checking to see if there were any missed calls or text messages on her sidekick, she plugs the charger in and settles in for the night. Not being able to sleep knowing those pop tart crumbs were still on the floor, she leaps up, grabs the broom and dust pan sweeping them away and returning to bed. Laying in the dark living room she stares up at the ceiling and watches the different shapes form from the lights outside her window. The motion light on the building flashes from bright to dim and off again. She makes a rhythm in her mind that coincides with the timing of the lights. She can hear the TV speak from the other rooms: HGTV is on in one room and a commercial for Madagascar 2 in another. Drowning out those sounds she shifts her weight to one side and tries to close her eyes. There in that moment a thought of him infiltrates her mind and robs her of precious sleep. So she reaches...

I Absolutely Adore My New Hairstyle!

I honestly thought that I knew him better then I do. I mean we have know one another for quite some time. Since 2001 to be exact. Yet I don't know him...at all. Or maybe I met the "Representative" when I met him. I don't know why that thought just popped in my head, but I had to write it down. Interesting....Ummmgh.

I have come to the realization that the things that happen to me concerning men are all my fault. That's right the same way I take full responsibility for my actions when it comes to my relationship with Christ Jesus, I take with my relationships with men. They can and will only do what I allow. If I allow them to talk to me any kind of way, I can't then get upset when they talk to me any kind of way. If I allow them to treat me any kind of way, I can't then get upset when they treat me any kind of way. If I allow them to come and go whenever they please, I can't then get upset when they come and go as they please. This was all made clear to me about 30 min ago, when this guy that I can't seem to let go of (but am now seriously contemplating switching gears) called me and literally cursed me out. For no reason might I add. I simply called him to ask a question concerning my computer and he began to use some very unsavory language against me. Now in my mind I was l...

"You gave her 400.00 dollars to pay some credit card debt she had, but the car you co-signed for is behind 2 months Momma!!" I am so frustrated right now I want to scream. Nothing is going good for me right now. I am having Panic Attacks again and everything. I am under so much stress right it is not funny and I have no one to talk to but the Lord, and I haven't even been doing that lately. I feel so lost and confused and lonely and hurt and by myself. I can't take another thing I swear. I didn't even ask her to co-sign for my car. I would have just waited, but she said "no I want to help you." She has not helped me yet. That's what a co-signer is for...to help in your time of need. I mean that's what I thought. I was paying every car note and maintaining my car just fine until I lost my job. And even then I was paying the note with my unemplyment checks. I never asked her for help and the minute I do she turns death ears on me. God I'm so hu...

To Me! That's right today is my Birthday. I have to say I am most excited about this particular Birthday, because I have been through so much in the past year and a half, that I earned the right to Celebrate! As I sit here and type this I feel the tears welling up in my eyes, my heart is quaking and my lips begin to quiver. As I think back on the pain, the rejection, the miss understandings and the all around hurt of 2006, I can't believe I made it through. Then when 2007 didn't get much better, I thought I was going to die! But My Father said "NO!" He gave me so much Strength, Courage and Wisdom to make it to 2008 and my Heart Rejoices! Without the Lord I don't know where I would be right now. Except for God's Grace I could be lost and depressed and all sorts of things. But God loved me enough to Carry me through and I thank Him for that. 36....and I still Look Good! How many can say that? (wink) To Me!

My dreams are so vivid at times, that once I am wake up I like to blog them so I don't forget. I didn't blog nor did I write this one down at first because I was a bit taken a back by the dream. This Dream really threw me for a loop and I didn't know what to make of it at first. Most times when I dream it is about Falling down or something or some serial murderer like Jason or somebody is trying to kill me. Well this time one of my ex-sex partners (because he was mosdefntly not my boyfriend) was trying to shoot me! Can you believe that? I was so scared when I woke up that I txted him and when he didn't txt me back (which is normal) I pulled the covers over my eyes and began to Pray. Why was he of all people trying to kill me? What was this dream really trying to tell me? Was this a warning from God to leave him alone? I was so confused. I don't know but our "relationship" is somewhat volatile in the aspect that he will use the word "we" and...

When I wake up in the morning He's there to greet me with the sun. And when I lay my head down to sleep He tucks me in and wraps me with the warm of the Moon. When I am sad He takes the hurt away with just one touch and when I am happy He rejoices with me. Today He closed my car door for me with the wind. And washed my face with the rain. When I am lonely He comforts me with His blanket of Love. And when I am lost He will look for me and bring me back safe and sound. When I feel like I can't go on, He goes before me just to work things when I get there. Today I felt like no one cared and He sang me a song...it went something like: Sometimes you/have to encourage yourself/Sometimes you/have to speak victory during the test/and no matter how you feel/speak a word and you will be healed/speak over yourself/encourge yourself/in my name. When I am hungry He feeds me a full course meal complete with Meat, Bread and a full glass of cool Water. And one time a long time ago when I was d...

Enuff Said!

If one more person uses the term "You Hatin" or "You just a hater" I think I might scream! We have gotten so out of touch with reality it is a shame. Why does a person even ask your opinion if they are going to later call you a hater? I am so over that turn of phrase it's not even funny. Here is the reason I had to blog twice in one day. A friend...well an acquaintance of mine called me at work to ask my "opinion" on an outfit she was wearing on a blind date this evening. I normally don't give out Fashion advice to everyone, because most people will do or say what this young lady said and that will make me do 1 of 2 things: A. Make me really angry. or B. Make me tell you that you look fine knowing you look a mess and send you out on the town looking a fool! Well needless to say she got the latter. I asked her to send me a photo of the outfit via an email and I would give it a look-see. She sent me the photo (taken by her with a cell phone no dou...

Know Thyself poet unknown "You do not truly know yourself unless you confront yourself in the darkness at three am... no lights to shelter you surrounding you in fake daylight no music to hide the whispers of fear no moon, no stars, nothing... Just you. With nothing between you and the Dark you face the demons in your soul and see their true face then, knowing them they are conquered... but maybe they will conquer you... are you game to take that chance? I'm not. I have never been as scared in my life as I was last night... I raced to seize the torch to protect myself I know the dark within and I do not want to see it's true face... the veiled shadows are more than enough for me. Just thinking about them sends a chill down my spine I do not need to see to believe in the darkness in my soul. I know it is there... and I fear that it is stronger than I... " I found this piece to be very interesting and wanted to post it. I have been in a dark place and felt like I woul...

My Passion....

Lord I have an over active imagination. I use this to my advantage at times when my mind is so full of JUNK as I refer to it. I take myself places only you know about, only sometimes I find it hard to come back. Sometimes I don't really like Reality all that much. Especially when the Reality your used to sucks! I mean between this WAR I am still not clear on. The Senseless shootings and My broken and lonely heart , I seriously need an escape sometimes. I can dream up people and places in a matter of seconds .(I should write a book) the sad part of it all is when I have to come back to Reality it's hard to let go. I want the world I conjure up in my mind so bad I can almost taste it. A world where I have never known what a Broken Heart feels like. A world where my Single Family home was a two parent home, with a picket fence and a yard. A world where my 3 Unborn Children were in my arms and not in heaven. A world where my Mother and I were never at odds and ...

Father I miss my things!!! Okay so I am acting like a brat right now throwing a tantrum...a hissy fit if you will, but I miss having my own apartment. I miss my clothes. I miss my shoes....I miss my BED! Don't get me wrong I am not ungrateful for the lovely couch I am currently sleeping on at my sisters house, but come on now Lord, is this really the life you have for me? I think NOT! You said I should not be in any LACK! Well, I am lacking a lot of things right now Father, yet I am standing on your word. I know the plan that God has for my life must be Super Fantastic, because this is some mess right here! I want the Lord to continue to teach me all the right ways to govern my life for a better future, because this must NEVER EVER happen again! :)

Well Lord, I asked for a door to be opened and your did just that. At first I was a bit sceptical about this new job position seeing how it's only 2days a week, and 4 hours a day, but there is so much potential there God, and I am so grateful. It has been and still is a long road that I have to travel, but I have always been the type to take the road less traveled by. I used to think that if a thing doesn't happen when I wanted it to or in the way I wanted it to, that God had forgotten about me or my requests. Now I realize that God's Delay is not a Denial. I have learned to have so much gratitude for the small things, so that when the BIG things manifest I will know how to govern...lol! As I talked with my good friend Traci the other day and she told me how much of an inspiration I was to her, I began to cry. Most times I feel like I am a pitiful example of Strength, Courage and Wisdom and my friends are fools for thinking I lead by example. But that is not the case. She s...

R.I.P Julian ...And I thought I was going to cry. When I got up this morning I had every intention of going to his funeral. I had even picked out my "funeral outfit" and everything the night before. I knew what dress I was going to wear. I knew what shoes I was going put on. And I even had my speech prepared just in case anyone from my past were to ask me why I was there. I mean come on any real woman worth her salt has the "man from my past" speech ready to go by 18. Yet as the day went on and the time grew closer, I couldn't do it. A feeling of "is this really necessary" came over me and I literally did not feel led to go. Immediately I began to pray. "Lord, is it me or is it you?" I asked. I didn't want to be in flesh at all in my decision. I mean would me being there make one ounce of difference... In fact, I began to feel like I was simply going so that everyone would see how fabulous I look and that would have been totally wrong. Bo...

Road Not Taken by Robert Frost Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. *I'm so here right now. I Love this Poem*

Man I tell you, once I start I can't make it stop. When I begin to think on a thing it literally takes over my whole thought pattern until I eventually fall asleep. One minute I'm thinking about how awesome church service was, and the next thing I know...he pops in my head. Maybe it was the scent in the hall as I came home today. Maybe it was the way the janitor said hello. Maybe it was the three digit prefix in a number on my caller ID. Maybe it was the purchase of Nutter Butters on the way home that did it. Or maybe it is just one of those days when I wish I wasn't alone and desperately wanted some one to hold. I don't know what it was but I know it sucks. As I always do I try to find the good in him that will make me call or txt and ask "how you doing?" I try to find the one thing that will make me think he is not all that bad. I spend hours trying to find that "sliver lining" that is never where it's supposed to be. And I try to convince myse...

I just found out that the guy I gave my virginity to, the one I gave my heart to and the one that broke my heart for the first time, was killed Wednesday night. I have to say I didn't feel anything when I heard the news, I simply felt sorry for his children. I was told about 2weeks ago that he had 2 sons and they popped in my head the moment I was told about this tragedy. The children are the ones that suffer the most in these kinds of situations. I feel so bad for them. I didn't even think about all the hurt and pain he once caused me. I couldn't even recall the moment when I lost my virginity to him. I still don't remember the place where we met and I can't even remember what he looked like. Most people will say that's a shame, but I say it's the Lord who erased those memories along with my past, and for that I am grateful. The old folks always say that when a person, place or thing pops up out the blue and something kicks up inside of you...you haven'...