Naomi's Charge Pt2

Proverbs 10:6 - Blessings are upon the head of the just: but violence covereth the mouth of the wicked.....

I need to make some changes in my life both natural and spiritual. I have already set the wheels in motion with the natural part, by getting this new and improved job (Thank you Jesus!) and by changing my friends and my diet (gotta live to see my grand children ya'll) However the spiritual part needs a little help right now.

I have been in church my whole life and I have and still do enjoy the life I have lived for God and helping to build his kingdom. I used to think that "once I turned 18 that I was not going to church ever again" I wanted to get out and enjoy some of what the world had to offer. Well needless to say when I turned 18 my behind was still in church and it wasn't anything I could do about it. I tried to leave and wander off into un-known territory, but every time I did the Lord would snatch me right back. People laugh at me to this very day because of some of the ways I act or think. Like have you guys noticed that whenever I think a curse word and type it, I never type the whole thing?? I am sort of scared to type the whole thing out ya'll. Now I know it is with the mind we serve God and if I thought it then that is just as bad...but saying it and writing it all the way out seems worst to me (to me). Now don't get me wrong I did curse dude out who beat up my girl(read: shoegal007dee3...) I just felt so bad afterwards.

Here lately I have been wondering if the church I now attend and have attended for the past 9 years is the church for me. I haven't just started feeling this way, but lately the feeling has gotten stronger and stronger. I mean I sort of feel out of place there, like I am just taking up space and not being productive. My resume would say different though. During the past 9 years I have been on the Usher board, nurses board, choir, hospitality, singles mininstry and in 2001 I became the Children's Church director and been running it ever since. However I still don't feel fulfilled. I feel like I am not getting what I need from my church that's supposed to be my second home.

The only person I have really talked to about how I feel is a woman I like to call "Naomi" She has always been an ear for me. She not only listens to me she also tells me what says the Lord. Even if I am dead wrong she will rebuke me and set a girl straight no doubt!...But when I need to vent this woman listens and helps me find a way do better deal with the issue rather then tell me that my problems are not valid. I am so tired of my ministry leaders telling me that... I don't know what to do!! I am so tired of always being the one who is in the wrong and who is STUBBORN!! (aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!) I mean I do have the tendency to be a little stubborn and I am working on that. I like to think that I have changed a little for the better I might add. So for them to constantly throw that word in my face just makes me upset. When I was a little girl and in the church I thought everyone was saved and holy. I grew up thinking that way until I came there. I always knew that goodness was not salvation, but I thought that if people were good to you that they should be trusted...oh little naive me.

I came to my church after I suffered a slight nervous breakdown in 1997. That's right your girl almost lost it. I had suffered a mentally abusive relationship and my first mis-carriage and I was a complete mess ya'll I swear. See I was a virgin up until I was 23 years old and I thought I was in love when I met dude and gave up my goodies. When I say I thought I was in love, I thought I was in love ya'll hear me! I bent all the way over backwards for this nephew!! I didn't want to hear what my mother and bestfriend at the time were trying to tell me...I was gone. He was very mentally abusive to me, yelling and calling me out of my name and what not but still I stayed. That's one of the reasons why I try to help other women who are going through similar things cause I know how that mess feels.
Well right when I felt like I couldn't take another thing and I was hearing babies crying in my head, I asked the Lord for help and he sent a woman who at the time I felt like was a "God send" to help me. She invited me to church and I have been there ever since. Now I do believe that I was sent there to grow and become whole again and I know I have changed since being there. I am not perfect in no way but I am not the same person I was when I came there and for that I am grateful to my church and it's leaders. However now I feel like my spirit has lifted and I need to be fed elsewhere. I have never been one to hop from church to church. I mean I was at my families church until I was 23 and from there I have been at my present church, so church hopping ain't nowhere in my blood.
How many of you know that even in a job or a relationship, if you find yourself not giving 100% to it, it just might be time for you to let that thing go? I am warring with leaving there in my spirit but, until I hear from the Lord I will stay and wait. It just amazes me how when you want to grow and better your self people say things like..."if you leave you might miss your blessings" and "are you sure you are in the will of God?" I mean if God tells them something about me, don't you think he would tell me to? I do? I believe what my Bible says...it says "I was blessed before I was even born" so that lets me further know that wherever I am (provided I am in his will) I am blessed! He chasens the ones he loves and seeing how every time I tried to do it my way...he always stepped in and said "No way Deirdre. Not today you won't" whether is was through failed relationships, mis-carriages, missed opportunities all the way down to wrong decisions...he has never let me fall!:)
Huhummmmmm! Until Pt3 I guess:)