The Jaw Bite

*Due to technicial difficulties...there will be no picture this post...:(*

Okay so I am now eating all kinds of health food today...let's see I have some Carrots(yum yum), some Celery(umm umm good), and some broccoli spears(tasty) all in my efforts to lose some weight...and while I was eating said food...if you care to call it that, for you see I call a big juicy turkey burger and fries food, I bit into my jaw thus causing me to think about pain. I mean biting into your jaw is painful and it will cause you to reflect on such. I tried to think of a time in my life when I felt that kind of pain before, or something close to it. And my poor little heart sent a signal to my brain that reminded me of the time when I found out that the man of my dreams was engaged to marry his current girl. He and I have never dated mind you, however, I have always wanted to ask him out or let him know how I felt, but was always to afraid. We attend the same church and we were even rather close friends at one point. Then he began dating this young lady outside of our church and they are now engaged...set to become husband and wife in Feb of 2007. The first date was for this year July, but it was postponed due to her side of the family wanted to attend but they live in Japan! Yes said fiance is half black and half Asian. She is so freaking cute is sicking! Kimora Lee Simmons cute. I always give credit where credit is due...but sometimes I want to slap her face.... *Dee~Dee's honesty moment* She is all good with me, though we don't really talk to one another except for "Hey Girl!" as we pass one another in the hallway of the church. Since they have been dating, my relationship with his family has almost disintegrated. I used to go over to their home all the time, then all of a sudden I just stopped. I think it was due to his new relationship, I didn't want him or anyone else thinking I was hurt by it...which by the way I was. Notice how I said WAS...Tray! He was never really into me the way I was into him and I can say this with all knowledge because I even fixed him up with someone from out church one time and he didn't even recognize my pain even then. Here I am telling this brawd how wonderful I thought he was and how she would be crazy if she let him get away....and there I was letting him get away from me.

Okay so rewind back to when I first joined my church, he was one of the first people to befriend me. See even in the world I never really had very many female friends...which didn't concern me at all. I had enough according to my Mother. So anyway I really found him to be a nice person. Anyway, somewhere between us becoming friends, me hanging out at his home and growing up...I developed feelings for him that were...were Tray! out of control. I mean if I even heard that he was out on a date with some girl, I would call his cell and purposely interrupt that there date...either via call or text msg. I had it bad for this guy and he didn't even know it. And even if he did know it...he didn't feel the same way. So that to was a very painful feeling. I remember watching 20/20 one night...or was it Dateline...anyway they had this segment about people who have been diagnosed with having a broken heart. Their heart was actually broken and some people have even died from it. It got me to thinking, about all the many times someone or something breaks your heart (non literally) is your heart really breaking? (literally) That little pain that you get in your chest when you feel hurt from someone is quite possibly a vein or blood vessel that has just experienced some kind of trauma.

Fast forward to a few months ago...I am the kind of woman that I rarely make the first move. I mean I feel dumb sometimes trying to attract some guys attention. I mean if he can't see how Fabulous I am for himself...shooks he's blind! So I walk around church minding my own business and what not, going on about my life. Well, people are watching you...don't ever think no one notices you because they are and they do. So the fiances' brother, was looking at your girl and made some inquires about me. First of all I noticed him and all that, but I have been through so much with men this year and the latter part of last year, that I was oblivious to him and his subtle stares...as my girl Tee put it. Well I did my research on the subject and him of course and come to find out he was...peep this...WAS interested in me. It seems as though the former friend and secret love of my life, told the fiances' brother some things that he HEARD about my so called promiscuous life style and those things (lies!) have changed his mind...WTF?

Now, naturally I was hurt from this, and since I never completely go by hear say, I went straight to the horse and got him to open his mouth. Come to find out he had mentioned something about what he heard to the fiance's brother but he told him to make his own decision...WTF? What other decision was he supposed to make when you tell him some ish like that? I was livid! I found myself breaking down in front of a man that I once had such fondness for. I respected his virtue, and his way of keeping his business his own and how he kept himself anyway from bullish...well who would have guessed that he would be the ring leader of the most unpredictable bullish ever...certainly not I.

I cried so hard and so long while I was talking...well giving him a piece of my mind, that I had the worst lump in my throat. It felt like I had swallowed a baseball. I could hardly get the words out...I had to force them out. The pain and rejection that I felt at that moment was the worst I had ever felt. Needless to say the fiances' brother and I never made it to "Hello" and I am still not speaking to the one time love of my life. Not because I am still hurt, because I will probably never stop hurting from that. But because I feel like I have nothing else to say to him...about anything. Will I go to the wedding? Of course...I am the bigger person and I am happy for everyone, even those that have hurt me.

In saying all that I have to say that I forgot all about my bitten into jaw and now I think it's on it's way to becoming healed.....but which is worst...a Bitten into jaw or a broken heart?

U.W.R.A:)