What About What I Want...

Okay so I had to go back to the doctors today to see about my eye...it is better, however it is still a little blurry to me. So I go in and see about it. While I was there, there were about 6 ppl in the waiting room. Mostly older ppl from the nursing home near by and a few ppl around my age. Well 2 of those ppl were men and they seemed to be watching my every freaking move. When I came in the door they were scrambling to give me their seat. When I got up to throw away my teary eyed tissue paper they would stand up almost falling over each other ( I think it was the boobies)...now don't get me wrong cause in my opinion the older lady that was already sitting there was murch more beautiful...too me. Anyway I was already going through in mind about something else and I began to cry. I had my eyes closed trying to hide it, but how many know that when your hurting...ppl can tell.

Anyway as I sat there minding my own business, one of the men I told you about came over by me and squats down by my feet. He asks was I alright. I'm thinking... don't open your eyes ma...don't let this stranger see you crying. So I kept my eyes closed and told him I was fine. He didn't move...I thought he was going to move...but he didn't. So I opened my eyes and said "What" in a very soft voice...almost like a child. Have you ever had that lump in your throat when you are trying to speak and hardly can't? Well, he got up and as he was living he turned and said..."You deserve the world ma."
I do deserve the world, but I just don't want anyone to give it to me. Now when I say the world I don't mean materialisticly speaking....*sigh*....I mean Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically and Mentally speaking. I want that "breath taking" love/relationship that only comes from the one that was meant for me.

I have dated guys who have been that in and out kind of guy. You know the ones that won't comment but expect you to be there only for them. They come around when they feel like it and expect you to be there with open arms or some ish. I am personally tired of that ish and I will not be found in that type of sitch again. I mean it will be easy anyways considering these 2 factors: 1 All the guys I have ever wanted(in the past)...didn't want me....and 2 I have given up on them completely. I was on my way to work Sunday night(the night I was sent home) and I stopped in the Oberwiese icecream shop for some hot chocolate. As we pulled up in the parking lot facing the window of the shop, who do I see sitting there with a young lady laughing and enjoying icecream over conversation....AKA a date! My ex~of like a minute! (pre Tony's re~emergence of course) Now when we were dating (if that's what you want to call it) he would always have some type of excuse for why we couldn't/wouldn't do certain things. I can't even remember how many cancelled dates took place due to work or whatever else. So to see him sitting there having such a good time made me: angry, jealous, sad, and murderous all in one! But in true Dee~Dee fashion what did I do? You guessed it I walked into the shop and right up to him and his date and said..."Hi xxxxx, how are you?" I acknowledged her and got my hot chocolate and went on about my way. Well almost a week later the pain of not being good enough for icecream and laughter has attached it's self to me and I am trying to shake it off!

So by the time it was my turn to see the doctor about my eye, it was only two ppl left in the waiting room...me and the older woman that I said was just beautiful to me. The nurse called my name and as I stood up to go in she spoke to me. She told me to dry my eyes. She told me to save those tears for more important things like the birth of a new born child, or my wedding day. She said something that really made alot of sense at the time...she said..."It's the weak that live to tell the secrets that make them strong." Damn!...bottom of the ocean right there folks. I am not going to say that I am not going to feel this way ever again cause I am human first. What I will say is that I am strong enough to be weak sometimes. *Sigh....one more day, one more step #5*

Until We Read Aagin:)